One Phone Call From Your Knees

My husband and I had been dating a short time when September 11th happened.  He told me it was only the second or third time he had prayed in his entire life.  At this point in our relationship, Jon was not a believer and the topic of religion was not discussed much.  I asked him why he had prayed so infrequently and he told me he felt like if he waited to pray about something really important, God would be more likely to listen.

In Mat Kearney's song "Closer to Love" there is a line that strikes me every time.  He sings, "I guess we're all one phone call from our knees."  How many of us have had that moment of tragic news that has brought us to our knees?  How many of us were familiar with that posture of prayer?  At Heart of the Shepherd we are in the midst of a sermon series that is exploring the purpose of prayer and it has really made me consider my own journey of prayer.  I am hoping that my confessions on my confusion with the purpose of prayer will lead you to a stronger prayer life.

When I consider the times that I prayed powerfully- tear-drenched, teeth-clenched, hand-clasped, pleading prayer- my belief was in the power of that prayer.  My hope was in how powerfully I could pray; how persuasive I could speak; how strongly I could profess my belief in that moment that God could turn the situation around.  The power was in me.  The results rested on my shoulders and whether I could pray hard enough, believe strong enough.

At the same time that I was praying like this, I was professing a belief in an all-powerful God who had a will for my life, planned from the beginning of time.  Examined logically, there was an evident disconnect between my prayer life and my belief.  Perhaps I recognized this on a sub-concious level and this is why I prayed so infrequently.  I didn't know what I was praying for- His will or mine?  What purpose was there in praying to a God who was going to go ahead with His will anyway?  And if my belief as small as a mustard seed was supposed to move mountains, what did it say of my faith when the mountain did not move after fervent prayer?  Was this powerful God really dependent on my prayer to move the mountain?  If it was His Will to move the mountain, why didn't he move it in spite of my weak prayer?

In some ways, I considered not praying as a way to place full trust in God.  I wasn't trying to gain "points" by praying frequently or negotiate with Him.  It seemed that by not praying, I was fully trusting that His Will would be what I saw in my life.  But I know that lying beneath that layer of belief was a full-blown mistrust in God and my misunderstanding of what prayer was supposed to be.  I was frightened that by praying and not receiving an answer or not understanding an answer, I would begin to lose faith in a God I wanted to have full trust in.  Whenever I considered prayer, the verses that came to mind were, "Ask and it shall be given to you," and "faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains," and "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  But I had asked, and had not received.  It was a hard lump of reality to swallow.  Something was missing in the formula and it was either me or God.  My lack of prayer was covering up a fear that God was not listening, was not as faithful as His promises sounded.

I certainly had seen God answer prayers and had often felt His Presence when praying.  So what of those times when I prayed and still felt uncertain?  I remember praying night after night about a job that was causing me extreme amounts of stress.  I asked God what He wanted me to do and never felt I had a clear answer.  I left that job to take on another position, and when that position did not work out, I wondered if God had in some way told me that I was supposed to stay at my old job and I had missed His sign.  I thought He was punishing me for leaving.  But I kept trusting that somehow it was all in His plan, even my possible disobedience, and He would work things out for my good.  But what good had those prayers done me, I wondered?  If I was praying to God faithfully for an answer about what He wanted me to do, why would He be unclear about His intentions?

I attended a funeral a little over a year ago and The Lord's Prayer was recited.  At first I did not see much of a connection to this particular prayer and death.  But as I prayed the words "Our Father who art in Heaven" I started to feel a strong sense of peace and comfort just in those words.  We were mourning the death of a baby.  I grieved for the parents and what a great struggle it must be to lose a child.  Those words reminded me that God embraces us as His children.  That our sorrows are His.  And as we prayed for "Your will to be done" I remembered my all-powerful God who had a plan from the beginning to rescue me from the bondage of sin and death.

Prayer is not a bargaining tool to convince God that we are worthy of what we ask, nor is it a means of communicating to Him something He is unaware of, nor is it simply a way for God to reveal His plan, for it often remains unknown.  Prayer is an opportunity to be reminded of who our God is and who we are before Him.  As we spend more time in prayer, we learn more about Him so in those moments that bring us to our knees we can hold on to the truths of a good and loving God who is working all things for our good.  Prayer is for the purpose of strengthening our faith so that when God's Will does not line up with our own, we can find comfort in saying, "Not my will, but Yours be done!"