I Want More

I recently introduced Colette to the "Little Mermaid" soundtrack.  Having loved the movie in my youth, I was enjoying the music just as much as she was.  But a particular song that Colette has grown to singing regularly is starting to bother me lyrically, especially coming from the mouth of my four year old.  In the scene where the song takes place, Ariel is admiring her collection of artifacts from the human world.  She sings, "Look at this stuff.  Isn't it neat?  Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?  Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything?"  Then she continues to list off and show off her prized possessions and crescendos with, "But who cares?  No big deal.  I want more!"

This song of discontentment has started to feel like a reflection on my own life.  It seems the theme song of the American way.  For me, my discontent has not been so much with material possessions as of late, but with my current situation.  I am going to try to portray this as best as I can, but conveying the mental struggle I have been facing lately may be difficult.

My second-born, Mary, was two weeks early.  This lead me to be overly prepared for the birth of the child I am still carrying one week away from due date.  Knowing logically in my head that all pregnancies are different did not mean a whole lot to me because I also knew that this meant the baby could come even three weeks early.  Enter this state of obsessive-compulsive behavior that started about 4 weeks ago.  I have been attempting to assure that this baby will enter the world in the most prepared state possible, which means I am finding myself in a constant state of unrest.  Straightening, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and it just keeps repeating.  I get everything up to par and then something is dirty again.  It seems it only takes two days for dust to collect on the furniture and the carpet to grow fuzzies, not to mention how toy boxes vomit almost hourly around here.  I lay in bed planning at which point of the following day would be acceptable to go into labor, contemplating all that needs to be done first.  Once my tasks are completed, I let out a sigh of relief and think, "Now if the baby would just come, everything would be okay."  When two hours pass and I am facing a meal to prepare with clean up to follow and another day's work rounding the corner, I am filled with gloom.

I am not a perfectionist or a neat-nik.  I really can not explain to myself why I am doing this.  When I began the pattern almost a month ago, it seemed wise and harmless.  Yesterday it lead me to the edge of despair.  I know that this may seem all over-blown to many, even myself, but as I considered that I may be living in this perpetual state of unrest for another two weeks, I lost it.  I started begging God to just send me into labor.  We battled.  I begged for rest and I felt Him denying it.  The truth is I told God that I wanted my will, not His in this case.  I sensed that He was telling me the baby would be born on His time, not mine and I feared it was a much longer wait than I could bear.  I knew He was telling me that the birth of this child was not about me, but that He had bigger plans.  I felt like I should have more control over the situation.  Afterall, it's my body that is carrying this child, that is aching and groaning and begging for me to just sit down.  And as I was bawling to the point of a bloody nose, I knew it was such a ridiculous thing to fight God.  There is an end in sight for me.  Even if I don't agree with God's timing, wouldn't it just be best to go along with it, considering who I was up against?

The question came to mind, planted by God, "If someone's salvation depended on this baby being born a week late, would I still be asking God to give me the baby now?"  I told Him I didn't care.  I have explored far enough into my beliefs to know there is no use lying to God, or sugarcoating how I feel.  At that moment, all I cared about was me and the exhaustion I was feeling.  It felt horrible.  I felt such shame for the way I was feeling.  I could not ask God in that moment to forgive me, but to change my emotions.  I realized that I had been trying to control everything for four weeks, as if I had any control over the situation at all.  In the end, God was just using my situation to reveal to me the ugliness of my sinful nature I so often choose to ignore.  He knows that I very frequently only like His will when it mirrors my own.

It was not long after the battle that Colette came bouncing from her room singing, "I want more!"  How God uses that little voice to speak to my heart!  I have two beautiful children, another about to enter this world, a loving husband, comfortable home, many encouraging friends, and I want more.  I want more to keep me content, more to keep me from unrest and discomfort and unhappiness.  Meanwhile God assures me that all that I need in this world will be found in Him.  I try to appease my greedy nature by hungrily following after food that leaves me satisfied for the moment, when true fulfillment lies in His hands.

Funny, just this past Sunday I taught a lesson on John Chapter 6.  In it, many were searching for Jesus after He performed the miracle of the feeding of the five thousand and when they found Him, He said, "I tell you the truth, you are looking for me, not because you saw miraculous signs but because you ate the loaves and had your fill.  Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you.  On Him God the Father has placed his seal of approval."  Jesus was rightly accusing them of only following Him for what He could do for them, how He could fulfill their daily needs.  How often do I seek Him out with the same intentions, all under the guise of faith?

My heart needs to be filled with the hunger to do His Will to further His Kingdom, rather than satisfy the aches and pains of this world.  The "more" that I should be crying out for, is more of Him in my life, more of His will.  How can I deny His Will to save the lost and hurting, the spiritually dead, at the expense of my discomfort?

My prayer for the birth of this child has changed from, "Lord, let it be soon," to, "Lord, let it have purpose."  That is a prayer I know He will answer.  In that I find rest and peace.  Battling with God lead me nowhere but to a realization of how very wrong I am and how very far I have to go.  Today I find rest in His unfailing love and forgiveness.

Lamentations 3:22-24 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."        

  

Trusting God with More than Eternity

What will happen to me when I die, the question that left me awake in bed at night, does not grip me anymore.  I spend very little time on this thought.  In this area of my life, I have placed full trust in the promise of my God that He has secured my salvation.  To me, the evidence is clear that God laid the foundation for my eternity from the very beginning.  He knew that I would sin and fall from Him, and He would continue to love me and offer me the redeeming blood of His Son.  I do not puzzle at the truth of this.  Though I stand in awe of this, I don't question it.  It is a certainty to me.  Much like when we come to an understanding of why 2 plus 2 is 4, we find no need in reconsidering our original math.

To have this confidence in God is my foundation for my life.  I build off of this truth, that in Christ alone I am saved and this by grace through faith, not by any work that I have done, but that He did it for me.  In gratefulness, I try to model my life in certain ways.  I make an effort to grasp opportunities where God can use me in sharing His love with others.  But if I am to be fully truthful about myself, I have to confess to you that there are many opportunities I shy from, some I fear, ones I have asked that do not come my way.

Recently God has been placing on my heart a strong consideration of how much I actually trust Him.  Yes, I trust in Him for my eternal salvation, but what about right now?  It's been a rough week for me.  My father who lives 3 hours away broke his hip, Colette is sick and the fear of it spreading through the whole family with a baby arriving any minute has been consuming me.  I cannot go see my dad.  I cannot keep myself from cleaning like crazy doorknobs and cupboard handles and toilets and sinks and bed linens all in an effort to offer this baby a healthy entry in this world.  I cannot keep from barking like a drill sergeant at Colette every time she coughs, touches Mary, wipes her nose.  I have been feeling great anxiety over when this baby will choose to arrive- where I will be, how clean the house will be, how much laundry will be done, who will be available to help now that my mom is occupied with my dad, how much food will be in the house.  Meanwhile the God who holds eternity in His hands exposes to me how very little I consider that He has everything working according to His plan- a plan that works for the good of those who love Him.  That would be me.

Why can I grasp the certainty of an eternal life in Heaven but continue to get befuddled at the very blatant fact that we live in a fragile world?  Though I can sleep comfortably at night knowing that I will be held in the arms of Christ were I to not wake up, thoughts about going into labor with a sick child needing to be cared for and whether or not my dad should be championing through his rehab therapy like his is, kept me twisting in the bedsheets last night.  If I trust in Him for salvation, can't I trust in Him for the good of my family?  But instead I trust in my ability to suffice the needs of my family.  My actions declare that their health and well-being are dependent on my provision, not God's.

My very wise Pastor at Heart of the Shepherd Church recently made a statement that was such a simple truth, that were I to have taken the time to consider it, I would have come to the conclusion myself, however at the time he said it, I had never once contemplated the thought so it struck me with awe.  God cares for my loved ones more than I do!  As a mother, I like to think that no one in this world has a better interest at heart for my children than I do.  My day focuses around their care.  And yet, I fail them, most often on a selfish level when my own needs and wants outweigh theirs.  Meanwhile, there is a God who worked salvation for them.  Do I place them in His hands?  When I pray for them, for anyone that I love, is it as someone approaching a God who knows their needs better than I do, or do I take the position of needing to set God straight about our current situation and how He is missing the boat?

There are times where I feel like I am going insane trying to meet the needs of the ones I love.  I scurry around appeasing all of the small worries of this world like dirty bathtubs and bored children and neglected projects so much so that I feel like I am in a game of human pinball.  I bounce around with no clear purpose but to quiet the noise of everything that beckons my time.

In doing research for this blog entry, I looked up several passages on trust in the concordance of my Bible.  It lead me to a well-known verse from Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  I almost did not visit this spot in scripture because the beginning of the verse was easily recited from memory, but verse 6 was what I needed to hear.  In all my ways, I need to acknowledge my trust in Him.  This world is fragile and unknown.  That which we place our trust in today- our health, our loved ones, our job, our wealth, even our own ability to reason- can be gone tomorrow.  There is no certainty in any of it, but there is a certainty in a God who will never pass away and when we acknowledge that, in all areas of our life, He brings clarity to the noise and direction down a path He carved out long before I came into being.

So whether Mary wakes from her nap running the same fever that I put Colette to bed with, or she continues on healthy, and whether baby decides to greet us now or in a week or two, I need to be trusting in the God who built the firm foundation of salvation for me AND for them.          

A Family Resemblance

It is much to my chagrin that Colette has developed my stubbornness and impatience.  Whether it is nature or nurture that has imbedded these traits into her character is debatable, but they are evidence of her mommy.  And yet, one of the greatest delights of a parent is to see yourself, or the love of your life, in your child.  Mary likes to make people laugh, especially herself.  She has an ease about her personality, that allows her to be very free in her expression.  This was one of the abilities that I first loved about her father. Colette is much more thoughtful and reserved about her interactions with others, as was I as a child, but her ability to reason and argue are gifts handed down from her daddy.

Jon and I daydream about this baby whose arrival we anxiously await.  We like to pretend that we will be able to blend all of our best characteristics into this creation- s/he will sleep like Mary does, eat like Colette does, and be just the right balance of silly and serious, determined, but not too stubborn, sensible yet spirited.  We know that realistically this child will be nothing like the first two, yet carry resemblances of all of us.  It is what binds a family.  I can see God's design in my children as ways that He speaks to me and my husband about how we need to grow in our relationship with Him and the graces He pours out on us.  Colette was made to challenge my own stubborn spirit, but she also exhibits a compassion and thoughtfulness that daily makes me reflect on the simple act of loving one another.  Mary was a good sleeper by the grace of God because He knew that with a husband working full time and completing law school, I could handle nothing more.  She also tends to be the comedic relief.  I know this child that grows inside of me now is being fashioned to fit needs we do not even realize we have as a family.  I look forward to it unfolding.

Children are so impressionable that it is not a wonder that they develop the characteristics of parents.  This is why even the adopted child often hears that they are just like their father or mother and that statement can be applied even at the level of physical appearance though no biological quality is shared.

As Christians we are the biological product of Adam and original sin.  As we grow, the traits that were handed down through his offspring are apparent in our lives.  We all express a resistance to God's order and Will for us, as well as skepticism for His intent as Adam and Eve did when they partook of the forbidden fruit.  Yet we are adopted children of God, called to bear His familial resemblance.  In law, the adopted child has as much right to the inheritance as the biological child.  Clearly that inheritance is in Heaven, but there is also an inheritance here on Earth that we receive.  As the adopted child of God, you have received the Holy Spirit to guide you into resembling the family name of Christ.

Galatians 5:22-23 offers this earthly inheritance: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."  These are all traits of Our Father, traits that He delights seeing revealed in His children.  Just as we look to our earthly parents as children to develop our behaviors, so should we daily be looking to our Heavenly Father for these gifts to become the prevailing characteristics that shine in our life.  As we model these attributes, it becomes evident to others who our Father is.

What kind of family resemblance do you bear?  Is it as one who has been adopted by God, or one born of Adam?  Is there a particular fruit of inheritance that you have struggled obtaining?  As I have confessed, mine would be patience, but self-control is right alongside that.  It would be good to remember that if we look to our God and the ways He exemplifies these traits in His daily interactions with us, we have a greater chance of actually achieving those qualities in our own personality.  This week consider praying for the fruit that is yours in the Spirit and studying how God shows you examples of this in His Word and in His work in your life.  

What Do You See On the Face of God?

At church on Sunday we sang a song called "Give Us Clean Hands" and some of the lyrics have really been sticking with me.  In the chorus we sang, "Oh God let this be a generation that seeks, who seeks your face, Oh God of Jacob."  I have been considering since the moment I sang those word, what it means to seek the face of God.

There are countless Bible verses that reference seeking the face of God and hiding from the face of God, as well as descriptions of the face of God.  But before I had access to my Bible's concordance to start researching these verses, I thought about my two year old, Mary.  She is at such an interesting stage of development where she is learning things like humor, sarcasm, excitement, anger, and right from wrong.  As I see her experience a new emotion, she is quick to look at me, to seek out my face, to interpret how I am reacting to any situation.  It occurred to me that my face reflects my approval or disapproval.  Our children seek our face to know if they should be frightened when a stranger talks to them in the grocery store, to know if you are serious when you are requesting that all of the toys get put away, to know if you are delighting in the silly dance they are performing.  When we seek the face of God, we are looking for His interpretation of our actions.  Is this pleasing to you, God?

In Psalm 27:9-11, David pleads, "Do not hide your face from me, Do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper.  Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.  Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.  Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors."  David was a man who spent many of his days running from those who wanted him dead.  King Saul and later, David's own son Absalom, sought to kill him.  Throughout his trials, David continues to seek God's will, to know how he should respond to the oppression he is facing.  He did not seek the advice of his counsel, who had advised him to kill Saul, and was later responsible for killing Absalom.  These verses describe David's dependency on God's approval.  He acknowledges that God is his helper.  He knows that in seeking His face, David will find the way of God, the "straight path."

In the Old Testament, Jacob has an interesting encounter with God where he wrestles with Him.  God renames Jacob "Israel" and tells him it is because "you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."  At the time that this took place, Jacob was returning to the land of his brother Esau, who had wanted to kill him and they were about to make amends.  Jacob names the place Peniel, meaning "face of God," and says, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."  Jacob realized that in the presence of God, his sin was blatant and required justice, but God spared his life and made him the father of the chosen nation of Israel.

How do we seek the face of God with our blatant sins and expect our life to be spared?  How can we expect to see anything on His face but disapproval and anger for the many times we have denied Him?  Isaiah 59:2 warns, "But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear."  This whole chapter of Isaiah is directed at the people of Israel who had turned from God, but it bears striking resemblance to the sins that we see now where "justice is driven back, and righteousness stands at a distance; truth has stumbled in the streets, honesty cannot enter.  Truth is nowhere to be found, and whoever shuns evil becomes a prey (verses 14-15)."  But it is mercy that God offers in verse 20, "The Redeemer will come to Zion, to those in Jacob who repent of their sins."  (You should read all of chapter 59 to really understand how merciful God was being in offering redemption for repentance.)

Who is this Redeemer who allows us to seek the face of God in the midst of our sin?  2 Corinthians 4:6-7 declares, "For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."  Israel was so entrenched in their sin (and you and I, as well) that they could not save themselves from it.  But God still loved them.  As Isaiah 59:16 says, "He saw that there was no one, He was appalled that there was no one to intervene, so His own arm worked salvation for him, and His own righteousness sustained him."  We could not do it for ourselves, so He sent His Son to redeem us from the sins that we were slave to.

When you seek the face of God, know that it is a face of compassion that is looking back at you.  It is the face that offered the greatest sacrifice so that He would not have to turn His face away in anger.  It is the face of a Father who leads you with His Word to know His Will, His Comfort, and His Strength.  When God looks upon your face, He does not see the face of a sinner, but the face of His Son, the face of love.