Who Am I? Part 3 The Postcard

When filled with the enthusiasm that most new Christians find bubbling inside themselves, I also found myself set on a misconception that is also common in the recently saved.  I thought that my career had to be overtly Christian.  I did not consider that I could be overtly Christian in any field, giving me opportunity to shed light in the darkness.
In fact, I did not realize that at my current job at the time, I was doing just that.  I was the only Christian among many mockers of my faith.  Some of my coworkers may have associated with the label of Christianity, but fought against the very basic principles.  The job was extremely stressful and left me unfulfilled.  I thought it was obvious that now that I had embraced my faith as a Christian, I needed to move on to a position with "Christian" in the title- pastor, teacher, youth worker, etc.
Meanwhile God was giving me many opportunities to witness to those that I worked with: a young married girl committing adultery, a Jewish man who was intrigued by christianity but could "never become one, because I'm Jewish!," and a struggling single mom who insisted that if she walked into a church "the place would set fire."  All approached me because in my quiet witness of reading my Bible every lunch hour, they saw a sense of peace that beckoned to them.  Though God used me in that environment, I continued seeking employment elsewhere in the slim-pickings of ministry for someone who did not have a degree.  I was serving my church as a volunteer leading the Senior High Youth in Bible studies and was writing the studies on my own.
When I stumbled upon a freelance position in the Lutheran Witness Magazine for a writer to contribute to lessons used in Sunday School, I was certain the position was meant for me.  My simple thought was because this is what I wanted to do, it was what God wanted me to do.  I can not express to you how certain of this I was.  I worked diligently on the application and writing samples and ignored some of the blatant difficulties facing the position.  It required a week long training session in St. Louis the week I would be getting married.  Details I was faithful God could work out!  (Having hindsight of the week pre-wedding, this really makes me giggle now!)
I was more than crushed when I received the letter declining my application.  I was angry!  I believe it was the only time that I was willing to admit I was angry at God.  I had a miserable day at work that day and driving home I remember screaming, "What do you want from me?!"  I told Him how I was trying to serve Him and He wouldn't let me.  I asked why He would dangle this position in my face and let me get my hopes up if He never intended me to work in that capacity.  I asked if I wasn't good enough to serve Him.  And sadly, even questioned if He was there.  I was at the lowest of lows.  The sorrow was a weight on my chest.  It felt much like an unrequited love.  I was simply trying to love God and serve Him and I felt like He didn't want me to.
When I got home, I grabbed my mail and leafed through for some sort of distraction from my misery.  I was mildly pacified when I came upon a postcard from my friend who was visiting Germany at the time.  I read the back without taking note of the front.  It was very typical "having fun, wish you were here" verbiage, but it made me smile.  However, as I flipped the card over to view the picture, I was thoroughly annoyed to see that someone had written in German all over the front of the postcard.  In my sour mood, I grumbled about the indecency of people and wondered how someone could be so careless. The nerve, really!  But at the bottom of the paragraph of gibberish I saw, "Jer. 29:11."  A Bible verse?
It was somewhat with fear and skepticism that I opened my Bible and turned to Jeremiah.  I had just finished berating my God- What kind of message could He have for me?
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord..."
I sobbed.  And I wondered how those words came to be on that postcard.  I felt the very hand of God upon it.  When my friend returned from Germany, I asked if she had written something on the postcard and she explained that her boyfriend did.  She said they had been touring an old church and Joe had opened up a Bible and copied it down because he thought, "It looked neat."  He had no idea what he was copying.  But God did.
The message that God had for me that day was a call to trust Him and a reminder that I was serving Him right where He wanted me to be.
A wise friend once said to me that we should be able to put "Christian" in front of any one of our titles- a christian mother, a christian daughter, a christian receptionist, a christian cashier.  We can not all be pastors or youth workers or missionaries because God needs christian administrative assistants, christian landscapers, and christian teachers to reach out to an unsaved world, too.  
  

Who Am I? Part 2 Jonathan

As a teenager and young adult, I found most of my emotions, actions, and thoughts wrapped around the topic of finding true love.  Like so many girls, I sacrificed standards and morals to find "the one."  I remember feeling like searching for a good, Christian man was setting the bar too high and would only lead to disappointment.  (I am sure a lot of my reservations in this area was an unwillingness to expose my lack of understanding of my own faith.)  So often I dated troubled men thinking that if I could offer them a life of change they would be forever indebted to me with their love.  And yet my relationships were always missing that growth that only a Christian relationship can experience- the bonding of your love for  Jesus and His work in you as an individual and as a couple.  

As I went through these relationships, my Christian walk suffered.  There were many attempts to witness, but they were rejected.  The feelings of love that I had allowed myself to feel for these men left me feeling empty.  I knew that there was something greater I was longing for, that God was calling me to.  

Jonathan was a not a Christian when we met.  We were both heading into our senior year of high school and we were instantly connected and attracted to each other.  We dated long-distance for four months.  When the relationship ended as quickly as it began, I was heartbroken and confused as I had been so many times before.

After some time passed, Jonathan and I came back into contact with each other.  The whole time we were platonic friends for four years, I was secretly in love with him.  Meanwhile I remained single for that length of time and I found my Christian faith to be growing through Bible study attendance and church.  When I finally confessed my feelings to Jon, we started dating again and although I was finally with the person I had been loving for four years, I knew God was calling me to something far greater.  

One night Jonathan came to a Bible study with me.  Throughout the whole study I was feeling compelled to end my relationship with him.  It was heartbreaking because I knew that Jonathan was in love with me and I felt like I had been unfair to him by enticing him into a relationship with me, all the while knowing that God wanted me to be with a Christian.  After the study, Jonathan and I took a long drive and we started to talk about God.  Jonathan stated that he was a Christian, after I had told him he was not.  He said, "I believe in God!"  I responded, "Yes, but do you believe in Jesus?"  He said, "I can't believe in someone I don't know."  That night I shared with Jonathan who Christ was and what He intends for us and that night- the night I thought I would be breaking up with Jonathan to find the Christian man God intended for me- Jonathan became a Christian.  

I realized that God was asking me to give up what I loved (and had been loving more than Him) so that he could give me something even better.  I never once thought that God could make Jonathan a Christian.  I didn't believe Him capable of doing that!  Now when I look at Jonathan- my husband, best friend, father of my two children (soon to be 3!), I see a beautiful work in Christ.  I have a beautiful testimony of what walking by faith can lead to.    

Who Am I? Matthew

The next couple of blog entries are a focus on particular incidents that shaped me as a Christian.  I was raised in a Christian household.  We attended church every Sunday.  Never was there a point where I denied Christianity as my faith, yet so often, unrecognizable to me at the time, my faith faltered in understanding what God really meant to me and what a relationship with Him could offer.

My cousin Matthew was born with a rare genetic disease.  He was a couple of years older than me and the first couple years of his life started off relatively normal.  He achieved many of the same milestones as "normal" kids- walking and talking, etc.  To be truthful, I don't remember a lot of that time with Matt, except how much I loved him.  We lived far apart and didn't get to see each other often, but I "wrote" him letters everyday, before I could even write.  And I drew him pictures, all of which decorated his bedroom walls.  In my adolescence I told people I would marry him one day.  I loved him as much as a little kid could possibly love anyone.

As he grew older, Matt's differences started setting him apart.  He lost the ability to talk and walk, among other things.  He became quite incapable of doing anything.  It was at this point when my parents and others prepared me for what was inevitable with Matt's disease.  Most of the afflicted children would not live past the age of thirteen.  I would sit in church and hear the miracles that Jesus performed and knew with certainty that the same could happen for Matthew, but I didn't know why it wasn't happening.  I grew frustrated with my family, thinking that their lack of faith was what held Matt back.  With each time Matt  faced a threatening illness, I would pray fervently for Matt to be healed and beg that my life be taken in place of his.  And Matt would pull through, at least momentarily.  I felt like God was holding out on a miracle that would happen eventually, but the pattern continued for years.  Matt had many years beyond his life expectancy, but he was progressively getting worse.  I feared how I would survive if Matt were to die, and mostly I feared how I would ever face God if he were to take Matt from me.

One Christmas, while in highschool, I started reading Chicken Soup for the Soul - a book of collective inspirational true stories.  I read a story of a mother whose two year old child suffered from cancer and the doctors informed her that she would soon be saying good bye to her child.  The woman denied her Christian faith as her baby's health struggled, believing that no loving god could allow the suffering of an innocent child.  However, one day she felt compelled to pick up her abandoned Bible and was lead to the story of Abraham and Isaac (Genesis 22).  As she read the story of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his only son, she realized the intention of this story.  God asks us to put Him first, above all other loves, and to trust in His goodness.  Abraham understood this as he climbed that mountain and now the woman was beginning to understand what God was asking her to do.  That night she placed her child on a makeshift "altar" in her living room and told God that she was submitting to His will for her child, whatever that might be.  Months later her child was miraculously healed.

Even now, as I tell you this story, years later, I am overcome with the intricacies of these stories and how God wove them together for His glory.  In reading this woman's story and reflecting on what had always been for me a troubling story of the Bible, I realized what I was being called to do.  I prayed to God so differently that night- no begging, no negotiating.  I submitted to His will for Matthew's life.  When Matt passed away a month later, I was filled with peace.  I was able to share my story with others at the funeral to help them feel the comfort that I was feeling.  I know that God was so, so patient with me, carrying Matt through each illness, so that I could see God's plan and love in the midst of it all.  Though I had grown up proclaiming faith in God, it was the first time that I put that faith into action.