Woes of a Wannabe Author

Most of you know that I have been working on my first novel for the past year.  Though I have longed to be an author my entire life (I can prove it because I have plenty of elementary school "When I grow up" essays as evidence), I have never taken my writing as seriously as God intended me to.  The blog was my first attempt at committing to writing.  After a year of blogging regularly, I took the leap to start a novel with a timeline to finish in a year.

I suppose you can say I accomplished that goal in that I have a 92,000 word, 172 page document with a beginning, middle and end.  The actual sense of accomplishment that I thought I would feel at this point has been elusive.

Writing a novel is a funny thing.  I think most authors start out with a spark of inspiration and plot the idea.  Often it is a specific purpose- a goal to express a certain idea- that brings on the story.  I have heard it said many times by authors that characters reveal themselves to the writer as the book progresses.  Never did I understand this until my characters started falling in love despite my intentions. There were times when my story took turns I never suspected.  Perhaps I am a little surprised and baffled by my completed manuscript.

Most challenging was understanding the goal I wanted to accomplish with this book and then figuring out how to accomplish the goal.  If I wanted a character to go through a particular catharsis, I had to plot events, conversations or even tragedies that would bring this growth about.  Often I felt as though I were "playing God."

The experience of writing has been very spiritually revealing, not just in my commitment to finally use my gift for God's glory, but I received a new appreciation for God's mastery of story telling.  He is the "Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

As a humble and uncertain author, I often wondered if my choice in plot was destroying my character.  Sometimes I discovered it had done just that and I had to lay on the delete button for several minutes to restore some hope. Even now, I wonder if I sent them down the right path.  I have opportunity still to change their past and redevelop their future before I send it off to a publisher with the hope of permanently securing their story between a professional looking cover.  Maybe all of those possibilities toy with my sense of completion.  But there was a particular tragedy that I felt was certain in this book; paramount to the revelation that I sought for my characters.  Scary to think about when we consider the Author of our lives and yet, comforting.  He's not hitting the delete button, or scrutinizing scenes and reconsidering.  He's not making mistakes with what He sets before us.  He's not pounding His head on the keyboard, wondering if He will ever come up with a solution.  He knows that what He puts us through will work for the good of His perfect plan.  Even tragedy and failure and uncertainty can bring about the revelation He intends for us.

As I balanced two main characters with a sprinkling of friends and family, and tried to figure out how to weave their thoughts and personalities for the good of the story, I often found myself overwhelmed.  But Our God does not get overwhelmed with the details of our lives and how they impact others.  How amazing is that!  As I consider what a tough project this was- the times of frustration, the doubts, the fears, and the work- I am in awe of how perfect God's plan is and how it has been written from the very beginning; the end never changing!  I know that as I bring this imperfect offering to His table, He will use it for His good purpose whatever that may be and again, I stand in awe.