What's Your Problem?

It seems this time of year everyone starts focusing on improvement.  As we close out the old year and usher in the new, our hope is replenished with a new drive to be better than we have been before.  We start noticing that we eat too much junk food, watch too much television, spend too little time with our children, focus on the negative too often and so we start developing a plan to resolve these issues.

We buy health food and exercise equipment, turn the television off and play a board game instead, and bask in the day's achievement.

Then next week rolls around and the kids are back in school and we have returned to our regular busy work schedule and a healthy meal is out of reach when McDonald's is around the corner.  The day has exhausted us and the new episode of our favorite show beckons us to cozy up on the couch with some potato chips.  Enter negativity as we nurse feelings of defeat and self-loathing.

We have all been there to some degree, whether it was a failed New Year's Resolution or some other aspiration.  Sometimes it seems best to not resolve to fix anything, rather than end up disappointed.  Or to resolve to accept defeat gracefully and not beat yourself up over it.

So what's your problem?  What are you striving to improve?  Is there any hope that you will not be making the same resolution next year when we welcome 2012?  I have never been one to make New Year's Resolutions.  I do not like the feeling of failure and so I err on the side of caution.  If I make improvements on my own that can be commended at the end of the year, so be it, but I am not committing myself to anything on paper.  I have never felt shame in admitting that either.  I always prided myself in not getting caught up in the sensationalism of the new year.  After all, if you over-indulged your sweet tooth at Christmas, self-control is likely to be just as elusive a week later.  I am not in the business of fooling myself.

So, I left my self-improvement goals to be made later in the year, as I felt inspired.  It seemed to me I would be more likely to succeed if I had a life-changing moment that lead me to turn the television off and put down the chocolate bar.  The turning of a new year is the flip of a calendar- hardly life-changing.   But these cathartic moments have been few and far between, leaving me to accepting the same old Katie with the same old bad habits year after year.

However, this new year pressing in on me has felt different.  I feel like God is calling me to a higher standard for myself.  Christianity is not all about God revealing in drastic ways the things I need to change in my life.  Rather He is asking me to be committed enough to Him to daily examine myself and ask for His guidance in removing and improving the faults that keep me from following Him.  I know the area I most need to improve upon is my prayer life.  And as I say that, I realize I started off this blog entry without saying a prayer first (no wonder it has been such a struggle to write).  I do not spend enough quiet time with God and it is ever apparent to me that life would be so much easier if I did.  So there is my New Year's Resolution- to have a committed prayer life where I daily spend time in prayer focused on God revealing His will for my life.

What is my hope in keeping my resolution?  Psalm 25:3 promises, "No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame."  My hope is in the Lord's faithfulness, not my own.  I know that his mercies are new with every morning, and when I fail Him, He will not fail me.

Whatever your resolution this year, commit it to God.  He is the great resolver of all things.  He is in the business of making all things new.  His faithfulness to you will far outlast your faithfulness to yourself.

"Do Not Be Afraid"-The Message of Christmas

Zechariah was a priest on duty burning incense in the temple when an angel of the Lord appeared before him to tell him his wife would give birth to John the Baptist.  He was "gripped with fear."

The angel Gabriel came to Mary and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored!  The Lord is with you."  Mary was "greatly troubled at his words."

The shepherds were keeping watch over their flocks at night and an angel appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and "they were terrified."

Gripped with fear.  Troubled.  Terrified.  These are not the words we focus on in the Christmas story.  We fashion our Christmas songs and tidings around the words "joy," "peace," "glory," and "good news."  In our Christmas pageants and retelling of the story from so long ago, we tend to breeze over this common theme of fear among the main characters.  As I read Luke Chapters 1 and 2, I found myself troubled by the response of Zechariah, Mary, and the shepherds.  Why were they afraid?

Certainly if a stranger appeared to me out of nowhere, I would be frightened.  It seems they reacted naturally, but at the time, I wrestled with the idea of their fear in the presence of God's angel.   Perhaps it is because we are so often encouraged to seek comfort and peace from God, that I could not reason why an angel of the Lord would evoke fear.  The shepherds were terrified at the glory of the Lord.  I was reading the Christmas story to prepare my heart for the magic of this season and I was left with unrest.  The words "terrified," "troubled," and "afraid" played over and over in my head.

I recalled an old co-worker of mine who once told me that if she were to enter a church the whole place would go up in flames.  Though she said it with a laugh, I know that she felt there was some truth to it.  She felt an unworthiness.  She knew that if she entered a church she would feel the weight of her sins that much more.  They are easier to carry around with us in a world that expects and accepts our faults.  But in the presence of God, in His church, suddenly we feel exposed.  

Zechariah, Mary, and the shepherds were afraid with good reason.  They knew they stood before a pure, holy, and just God who revealed their sin.  Adam and Eve ran and covered themselves with fig leaves after disobeying God.  They hid in the garden because they were afraid.  They knew that God had the right to deal with them justly and they feared what He might do.  Don't we all?  Isn't this what has kept us running our whole life; hiding behind lifestyles and lies and decisions that lead us anywhere but to a God that we have wronged?  We fear what He might do because we know what we deserve.  We have denied you, God.  How can we stand before you without fear?

Now what I am about to tell you was such a revelation to me, I cried last night.  They were tears of release, of joy, of gratefulness.  I hope that I can capture that moment for you, so that you might feel what I felt in reading these words.  Do you know what the angel said every single time, to each he visited?  "Do not be afraid."  He said it to Zechariah, then to Mary, then to the shepherds.  Do not be afraid!  And it occurred to me that this is the message of Christmas.  We do not have to be afraid before our God.  The angel stood before them and said there was nothing to fear any more, because God was making it all right again.  That baby in the manger was wiping away the fears of this world.  We were running from God, so He came to us in the form of a precious, non-threatening BABY.  He was declaring His love for us, crying, "Do not be afraid!  Come, and worship me.  I will make you whole again."

1 John 4:18-19 says, "There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us."  God is calling you to be made perfect in His love.  He wants to drive out that fear that you are not worthy, have not earned it, that He will change His mind, that you will lose His favor.  We can love Him, only because He first loved us.  He so loved us that He sent His one and only son to be offered up as a sacrifice so we no longer had to fear the bondage of sin we have found ourself in.  

This Christmas do not be afraid to come before your God, exposed and vulnerable and ladened with sin and doubt, because His message is that you can come before Him fearlessly carrying all of that baggage and lay it at His feet.  "Fear not!" He cries, "I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord."  It is the message of perfect love, driving out fear, hand-delivered by a God who loves you.

Communication Breakdown

I love receiving mail.  Phone calls from my husband while he's at work make my day.  I check my email regularly and love keeping in touch on Facebook.  New comments on my blog have become a new source of excitement.  I suppose when you are a stay-at-home mom with two small children, communication with the adult world becomes so valuable.  But it's not just that.  I really enjoy the idea that someone was thinking about me, that someone wanted to share parts of their day with me.  It is a nice feeling to know you are thought about.

Colette's memory verse this week for school is "The Lord delights in the prayers of His people." (Proverbs 15:8)  I was suffering from a bad attitude yesterday and the verse was a friendly reminder to communicate with God.  Often it is my sister that I call up when I am having a rough day (or a good one... or a boring one... or a regular one... you get the point).  We chat about the good and the bad and share in our frustrations.  I always feel better when I hang up the phone.  Communication is good.  Colette's verse reminded me that communicating with God is the best communication I can have all day.  As I once confessed in an earlier blog, I am guilty of shying away from God when I am not in the best of moods, particularly because I like to wallow in self-pity and there is no chance God will allow that.  So yesterday I was wallowing away about being stuck at home due to poor road conditions with two kids who got up way too early and were full of naughty energy and draining me of mine, when I read this verse to Colette.

I paused to consider if God could possibly delight in hearing from me in my current state of crabbiness.  I am not sure I "delight" in speaking with someone who is in a sour mood, but I do like being a source of comfort to others.  It is a special friendship that confides in you during times of trouble.  It is why I appreciate my relationship with my sister so much because I do not have to be ashamed of my emotions, nor she, hers.  And it is this kind of relationship that God is asking of me.  I imagined God just waiting for my status update, thinking, "Katie's in such a foul mood- why doesn't she just come talk to me?"  I bet it hurts Him to know He holds gifts of peace and joy and happiness and I reject His offerings.

I know that if I was going through some life-struggle and I withheld it from my sister, she would wonder why once discovered.  I know it would likely cause her some sorrow that I chose to suffer on my own and did not trust her with my feelings.  And isn't that the case when we choose not to communicate with God?  Not only does He feel sorrow that we are choosing to suffer without the comforts that He has to offer, but that we are often not trusting Him with our true emotions.  Yesterday, despite me being aware of how completely irrational I was, I was furious about the snow.  I am not a fan of cold, shoveling while pregnant, bundling small children, scraping windows, icy roads, and ultimately, being stuck at home.  I had plans for playgroup (a wonderful opportunity to communicate with adults while my children play) and grocery shopping.  Both were sidelined by the snow.  Meanwhile the kids woke up an hour earlier than usual and I was tired.  Telling God that His snow was messing with my plans was not a conversation I wanted to have... with Him, anyway.  I called my sister.  We both grumbled about the inconveniences of snow.  My feelings felt validated.

But I laid in bed for a long time last night considering that verse and feeling shameful for my bad attitude yesterday.  I realized that I was dealing with bigger issues than snow.  I have a really poor communication system with God.  He delights in hearing from me, not because He remains clueless about my day to day until I do, but because it exercises my trust and faith in Him.  It shows that I delight in hearing from Him, too.

James 5:16 tells us that "the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  I do not believe this means that a prayer can change the will of God, rather that it will change our heart to conform to that will and find the peace and understanding that God offers in it.  So often we allow our struggles to complicate our day, rather than consider how God might use them for our edification.  While many yesterday were delighting in the blanket of snow and it's beauty, I wasted away the day being angry about it.  Today as I look out on the snowy landscape I am reminded of how God blankets us with His love and His purity, making us a new creation on a daily basis for so long as we allow Him to communicate that message to us.

A Lesson From Jeff

I do not know what Jeff's specific diagnosis would be.  I do know that when most of the world would consider him to be disabled, God sees the finely crafted tool He created for His purposes.  Jeff is a member of Christ Lutheran Church of Milford where Jon and I were members before transferring to Heart of the Shepherd.  I am not sure how our friendship began, but it was not long before it was established that if we were attending the same service, we would have the pleasure of sitting with Jeff.  Often we would walk in to the sanctuary to find Jeff had already opened our hymnals to the correct page and laid them out on our seats.

I can not tell you how many times Jeff's heartfelt worship brought tears to my eyes.  Though he can read without difficulty, occasionally a hymn will be too fast for him to keep up, but it does not prevent him from singing.  Jeff would always speak of how God is our shepherd and watches over us.  Often he would remind me of these simple truths at an appropriate moment when I most needed to hear it.  It seemed almost prophetic at times.  As Lutherans we believe in infant baptism and when Colette was born we had her baptized within a month.  I remember feeling some hesitations about whether it was the right time to have her baptized, but the morning of her baptism Jeff said to me, "Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me.'"  It was the perfect reminder that no moment is too soon to place your child in God's hands, giving back what He gave you.  I cried at how easy it was for Jeff to see and accept these very simple truths of God when my mind is so often confounded by what this world and my limited reasoning argues against.

One of the most common phrases Jeff says is, "God still loves us."  The word "still" touches my heart every time he says it.  Still.  Even when I turn my back on Him.  Still.  Even when I doubt Him.  Still.  Even when I sin.  Still.  The word is defined by Webster's Dictionary as "remaining in place or at rest; motionless."  Despite my actions, God's love does not move away from me; it rests on me.  How often I have needed that reminder so frequently delivered by my good friend, Jeff.

Thinking about Jeff always brings to mind a verse I love to contemplate; 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  The apostle Paul had some "thorn in his flesh" which brought him great torment that he had prayed God would remove.  That verse was the response he received to his prayer.  I do not view Jeff as weak.  I see him as someone truly empowered by the Gospel; a man with a strength of faith that I admire.  This world would view him differently.  He is seen as one with limited capabilities.  So often God chooses what this world writes off as weak to proclaim His power.  It was no coincidence that Jesus started off his life in a stable, the son of a mere carpenter and a woman of no noble background.

When I consider some of the great stories of the Bible, it often seems that God is not stepping in until the last minute- it seemed to the Israelites the only options they had were to drown or surrender to captivity to Pharaoh's army... until God parted the Red Sea, Daniel prayed to God and landed himself in the lion's den... before God declared Himself as His protector, Jesus slept on the boat while the disciples grew weak in the knees at the storm that surrounded them... before the waters were calmed, and the disciples huddled in fear for days, worrying that their fate would be the same that Christ suffered... when He finally rose from the dead and showed Himself to be the Messiah for which they waited.  Some may have wondered in those moments where God was.  Some of us may still wonder why He would have let things get so bad before He stepped in.  How often have we wondered at the weaknesses in our own life what God's waiting on before He takes them away?

What storm has raged in your life so much so that it seemed you had to wake this God from slumber before He came to rescue you?  And how many times did you ask, "Why a storm at all, God?"  Because His power is made perfect in our weakness.  If God never allowed the Israelites to be pressed up against the Red Sea, never allowed Daniel to be tossed to the lions, never allowed the storm the day Jesus slept, never allowed His Son to be crucified, who would declare His power and might?  If the Israelites had time to take a different route, they may have patted themselves on the back for their mapping skills.  If Daniel had never been caught praying, he may have rewarded himself for his stealth.  If the storm never came upon the disciples, they may have not even considered their "good fortune."  If Christ had not died, so many of us would not see the ugliness of our sin.  But these things happened so that we could see no other answer, no other way, but God.

Whatever it is you may be suffering, consider that God will soon be revealing His glory and power to you.  It is in our own weakness that we can boast of the power of Christ.  Imagine how the Israelites, Daniel, and the disciples faith soared after they were put through great suffering.  I doubt they would have asked those circumstances to change, for the strength of faith they gained.

A Season of Preparation

Her back was probably aching from the child filling her womb.  Were her ankles swelling from the travel?  The motion of the donkey stumbling along the path must have caused additional strain on a tired bladder.  Perhaps she was too exhausted to be hungry.  The journey from Nazareth to Bethlehem, a rough 70 miles, would take days.

I think about how, as my own belly swells, my trips away from home are limited in the last weeks of pregnancy.  Precautions are taken to assure that I will be able to make it to my hospital in time for my baby's arrival.  I have started arranging my home, adjusting my routine, preparing my children for the change we will all experience in a couple of months.  I have been cutting myself slack in housekeeping and allowing a little extra sleep here and there.  Mary was traveling to Bethlehem.

She was traveling to Bethlehem in her last month of pregnancy at a time when our modern world would have cautioned her to "take it easy."  She was too far from home for the comforts of her mother to coax her through labor.  No midwife was arranged to be waiting for her in Bethlehem.  There was not even a certainty of accommodations when they arrived.  By today's standards, if I were to take off on my due date for a leisurely trip out of state, I would be considered irresponsible.  Mary was faithful.  She didn't have a choice but to take the mandated trip with her betrothed.  There was no advocacy program for pregnant mothers to opt-out of the census.  I wonder if the cloths she wrapped her baby in were packed in expectation of his arrival or if it was what they happened to have available.

What did she do to prepare?

I have been sorting piles of newborn clothes to be washed and folded.  We have been shopping for bunk beds for Colette and Mary's room so that we can make the crib available.  Prenatal appointments are written on the calendar and I have faithfully re-read all of my prenatal care handouts and baby books.  Soon I will be doubling recipes so I can serve half and freeze the remainder for the first hectic month of Baby's life when dinner seems impossible to manage.  Mary will be undergoing potty-training in the next month so that there will be only one set of diapers that will have to be washed every night (hopefully) once Baby arrives.

In this season of Advent, when our hearts are to be set on preparing for our King, I think about what Mary did to prepare for Him.  How did she prepare her parents for this news, a young girl of 15 or 16, pregnant with the Child of God?  What was Joseph doing?  How did he grapple what was happening to the woman that he loved and remain faithful to her?  Did he build a cradle, talk with the experienced new fathers in his neighborhood?  Did Mary's mother coach her on labor signs, prepare her for the difficulties of nursing?  

Every first time expectant mother gets warned at least once by some well-meaning informant, "Your life will never be the same!"  And every first time expectant mother wonders at how she can prepare for something so unknown.  In the days of technology, we place our trust in the doctor's judgements on the sex of the baby, the health of the baby, the ease of delivery through conveniences like epidurals and caesarean surgery if things go awry.  We trust in the multitudes of products we buy and diapers we pile up in advance.  We read books written by experts to set our minds at ease about the pains we will face in labor and how to manage our babies upon arrival.  In whom, in what did Mary place her trust?

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered.  "May it be to me as you have said."  Luke 1:3

Was it easy for her to trust God through the whole pregnancy?  Even with my modern reassurances that everything is moving along smoothly, I still find myself worrying about the baby's health and my own.  I still focus on fear when the day becomes overwhelming with two children clamoring for my attention even though I am the product of my mother providing for seven of her own.  Maybe because Mary had nothing but God to trust in, it was easy for her to cling to Him.  There are so many distractions in the details we have available today; it is easy to feel less of a need to depend on our Creator, the Creator of this life inside me.

The details of this Christmas season- the decorating, shopping, social events- pull us away from the main task, preparing our hearts for the Savior.  It would serve us well to consider what Mary did in preparation for her son, our Savior.  We know very little of the physical preparations that she did.  We know that when the day arrived, she was far from home without a bed for herself or her baby.  I think Mary held on to that moment when the angel appeared to her, reliving his words, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God."  How often she must have had to revisit those words to assure herself that everything was going to be alright!  I certainly have not had any angelic visitations proclaiming God's will for my child, but have I ignored the opportunity to hear the voice of God whisper His peace into my heart when I do not take time for quiet prayer?  Have you?  Mary prepared her heart by treasuring up all that was happening to her and pondering them in her heart.  She stored these miraculous moments in her memory so that she could hold onto them as certainties when faced with her own uncertainties of raising the Christ Child.  God wants to give you treasures to store up in your heart.  He wants to speak love to your heart through this baby in the manger.  Are you too busy with details to hear the message?