Feeling Phony

I think about Peter a lot.  I would like to say we are a lot alike- in his pre-rock-of-the-church stage- but even then I feel like I am handing myself too nice a compliment.  Peter had a courageous mouth.  Or maybe Peter suffered with Chronic Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome.  I can relate to that.  It's why I prefer writing.  There is a lot of deleting, pausing, cutting, pasting, even researching proper word usage to make sure I mean what I say.  But outside of the safety of my computer, my brain and tongue do not always seem properly connected.   Likewise Peter had this habit of blurting out awe-inspiring confessions of faith, only to find himself doing something quite the opposite moments later.

Hypocrite.  Phony.  Fake.  Lukewarm.

How many times did Peter internally struggle with these words- fearing that they actually defined him?  Peter- who walked on water, only to sink when his focus became the waves.  Peter- who proclaimed Jesus was the Savior, only to misunderstand what that meant.  Peter- who slept in the Garden of Gethsemane though Jesus had asked him to pray.  Peter- who said he would lay down his life for Jesus, and then fled to save his own life when Jesus was betrayed and then he denied ever knowing Him.

If the shoe fits, wear it.  Probably was not yet a coined phrase in those days, but it was likely Peter was thinking something of the sort.  Who was he to deny the role he kept playing?  It seemed to be in his character; something he could not escape.  And maybe that Saturday he was starting to accept it, own it, believe it.  Maybe he was thinking his last couple of years had been built on false pretenses.  Jesus was dead.  He had deserted him.

Perhaps he remembered Jesus telling him that He had prayed for him, encouraging him, "And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."  Who was Peter to be the one to strengthen, when his weaknesses were so often publicized?

Who am I to encourage you, when so often my own actions conflict with my heart?

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"  Who better than Peter to display the transforming power in our lives by the very grace of God?  Who better than you?  Who better than me?  Because when I am finally able to produce a good work in Christ, it is evident that it wasn't my doing.

I think about Peter a lot and how Jesus reassured him.  Jesus knew something about Peter that Peter didn't even know.  Jesus knew what Peter would become.  Jesus knew the plans He had for him.  Truth be told, Jesus had more faith in Peter than Peter had in himself.  And He has a lot more faith in what you can accomplish than you probably have in yourself.  It's a funny thing to consider God having faith in you.  We talk so much about having faith in Him, but sometimes I don't find that so encouraging when my faith wavers more than Peter's.  But then I think of God watching over me with the love and faithfulness of the perfect parent, quietly reassuring me, "You can do this!"  And I can't argue with that.  My confidence is in my faithful God, not in my own ability to believe, because like Peter, I fail in even doing that moments after I proclaim it with all my heart.  Psalm 117:2, "For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.  Praise the Lord!"