Who Am I? Matthew

The next couple of blog entries are a focus on particular incidents that shaped me as a Christian.  I was raised in a Christian household.  We attended church every Sunday.  Never was there a point where I denied Christianity as my faith, yet so often, unrecognizable to me at the time, my faith faltered in understanding what God really meant to me and what a relationship with Him could offer.

My cousin Matthew was born with a rare genetic disease.  He was a couple of years older than me and the first couple years of his life started off relatively normal.  He achieved many of the same milestones as "normal" kids- walking and talking, etc.  To be truthful, I don't remember a lot of that time with Matt, except how much I loved him.  We lived far apart and didn't get to see each other often, but I "wrote" him letters everyday, before I could even write.  And I drew him pictures, all of which decorated his bedroom walls.  In my adolescence I told people I would marry him one day.  I loved him as much as a little kid could possibly love anyone.

As he grew older, Matt's differences started setting him apart.  He lost the ability to talk and walk, among other things.  He became quite incapable of doing anything.  It was at this point when my parents and others prepared me for what was inevitable with Matt's disease.  Most of the afflicted children would not live past the age of thirteen.  I would sit in church and hear the miracles that Jesus performed and knew with certainty that the same could happen for Matthew, but I didn't know why it wasn't happening.  I grew frustrated with my family, thinking that their lack of faith was what held Matt back.  With each time Matt  faced a threatening illness, I would pray fervently for Matt to be healed and beg that my life be taken in place of his.  And Matt would pull through, at least momentarily.  I felt like God was holding out on a miracle that would happen eventually, but the pattern continued for years.  Matt had many years beyond his life expectancy, but he was progressively getting worse.  I feared how I would survive if Matt were to die, and mostly I feared how I would ever face God if he were to take Matt from me.

One Christmas, while in highschool, I started reading Chicken Soup for the Soul - a book of collective inspirational true stories.  I read a story of a mother whose two year old child suffered from cancer and the doctors informed her that she would soon be saying good bye to her child.  The woman denied her Christian faith as her baby's health struggled, believing that no loving god could allow the suffering of an innocent child.  However, one day she felt compelled to pick up her abandoned Bible and was lead to the story of Abraham and Isaac (Genesis 22).  As she read the story of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his only son, she realized the intention of this story.  God asks us to put Him first, above all other loves, and to trust in His goodness.  Abraham understood this as he climbed that mountain and now the woman was beginning to understand what God was asking her to do.  That night she placed her child on a makeshift "altar" in her living room and told God that she was submitting to His will for her child, whatever that might be.  Months later her child was miraculously healed.

Even now, as I tell you this story, years later, I am overcome with the intricacies of these stories and how God wove them together for His glory.  In reading this woman's story and reflecting on what had always been for me a troubling story of the Bible, I realized what I was being called to do.  I prayed to God so differently that night- no begging, no negotiating.  I submitted to His will for Matthew's life.  When Matt passed away a month later, I was filled with peace.  I was able to share my story with others at the funeral to help them feel the comfort that I was feeling.  I know that God was so, so patient with me, carrying Matt through each illness, so that I could see God's plan and love in the midst of it all.  Though I had grown up proclaiming faith in God, it was the first time that I put that faith into action.