I Want More

I recently introduced Colette to the "Little Mermaid" soundtrack.  Having loved the movie in my youth, I was enjoying the music just as much as she was.  But a particular song that Colette has grown to singing regularly is starting to bother me lyrically, especially coming from the mouth of my four year old.  In the scene where the song takes place, Ariel is admiring her collection of artifacts from the human world.  She sings, "Look at this stuff.  Isn't it neat?  Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?  Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything?"  Then she continues to list off and show off her prized possessions and crescendos with, "But who cares?  No big deal.  I want more!"

This song of discontentment has started to feel like a reflection on my own life.  It seems the theme song of the American way.  For me, my discontent has not been so much with material possessions as of late, but with my current situation.  I am going to try to portray this as best as I can, but conveying the mental struggle I have been facing lately may be difficult.

My second-born, Mary, was two weeks early.  This lead me to be overly prepared for the birth of the child I am still carrying one week away from due date.  Knowing logically in my head that all pregnancies are different did not mean a whole lot to me because I also knew that this meant the baby could come even three weeks early.  Enter this state of obsessive-compulsive behavior that started about 4 weeks ago.  I have been attempting to assure that this baby will enter the world in the most prepared state possible, which means I am finding myself in a constant state of unrest.  Straightening, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and it just keeps repeating.  I get everything up to par and then something is dirty again.  It seems it only takes two days for dust to collect on the furniture and the carpet to grow fuzzies, not to mention how toy boxes vomit almost hourly around here.  I lay in bed planning at which point of the following day would be acceptable to go into labor, contemplating all that needs to be done first.  Once my tasks are completed, I let out a sigh of relief and think, "Now if the baby would just come, everything would be okay."  When two hours pass and I am facing a meal to prepare with clean up to follow and another day's work rounding the corner, I am filled with gloom.

I am not a perfectionist or a neat-nik.  I really can not explain to myself why I am doing this.  When I began the pattern almost a month ago, it seemed wise and harmless.  Yesterday it lead me to the edge of despair.  I know that this may seem all over-blown to many, even myself, but as I considered that I may be living in this perpetual state of unrest for another two weeks, I lost it.  I started begging God to just send me into labor.  We battled.  I begged for rest and I felt Him denying it.  The truth is I told God that I wanted my will, not His in this case.  I sensed that He was telling me the baby would be born on His time, not mine and I feared it was a much longer wait than I could bear.  I knew He was telling me that the birth of this child was not about me, but that He had bigger plans.  I felt like I should have more control over the situation.  Afterall, it's my body that is carrying this child, that is aching and groaning and begging for me to just sit down.  And as I was bawling to the point of a bloody nose, I knew it was such a ridiculous thing to fight God.  There is an end in sight for me.  Even if I don't agree with God's timing, wouldn't it just be best to go along with it, considering who I was up against?

The question came to mind, planted by God, "If someone's salvation depended on this baby being born a week late, would I still be asking God to give me the baby now?"  I told Him I didn't care.  I have explored far enough into my beliefs to know there is no use lying to God, or sugarcoating how I feel.  At that moment, all I cared about was me and the exhaustion I was feeling.  It felt horrible.  I felt such shame for the way I was feeling.  I could not ask God in that moment to forgive me, but to change my emotions.  I realized that I had been trying to control everything for four weeks, as if I had any control over the situation at all.  In the end, God was just using my situation to reveal to me the ugliness of my sinful nature I so often choose to ignore.  He knows that I very frequently only like His will when it mirrors my own.

It was not long after the battle that Colette came bouncing from her room singing, "I want more!"  How God uses that little voice to speak to my heart!  I have two beautiful children, another about to enter this world, a loving husband, comfortable home, many encouraging friends, and I want more.  I want more to keep me content, more to keep me from unrest and discomfort and unhappiness.  Meanwhile God assures me that all that I need in this world will be found in Him.  I try to appease my greedy nature by hungrily following after food that leaves me satisfied for the moment, when true fulfillment lies in His hands.

Funny, just this past Sunday I taught a lesson on John Chapter 6.  In it, many were searching for Jesus after He performed the miracle of the feeding of the five thousand and when they found Him, He said, "I tell you the truth, you are looking for me, not because you saw miraculous signs but because you ate the loaves and had your fill.  Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you.  On Him God the Father has placed his seal of approval."  Jesus was rightly accusing them of only following Him for what He could do for them, how He could fulfill their daily needs.  How often do I seek Him out with the same intentions, all under the guise of faith?

My heart needs to be filled with the hunger to do His Will to further His Kingdom, rather than satisfy the aches and pains of this world.  The "more" that I should be crying out for, is more of Him in my life, more of His will.  How can I deny His Will to save the lost and hurting, the spiritually dead, at the expense of my discomfort?

My prayer for the birth of this child has changed from, "Lord, let it be soon," to, "Lord, let it have purpose."  That is a prayer I know He will answer.  In that I find rest and peace.  Battling with God lead me nowhere but to a realization of how very wrong I am and how very far I have to go.  Today I find rest in His unfailing love and forgiveness.

Lamentations 3:22-24 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."