Being Made New

It used to take me an hour to get ready for school every morning.  I used to curl my hair and meticulously apply makeup.  On my drive to school I would elevate my mood by blaring Led Zeppelin.  My highs and lows of the day were measured by whether or not a crush spoke to me.  To close out a stressful day, I would go shopping with my best friend, spending most of my paycheck on something I hoped would make me feel more attractive, wanted, needed by whomever would take notice.  These were the things that defined me.  It was what I loved.

I am lucky if I get to take a shower two days in a row now.  My morning routine consists of finding something that is clean and fits, brushing my hair if I remember and brushing my teeth.  I can't wear makeup anymore due to sensitive skin, but even so, I don't think I would take the time to apply it.  Though I can still appreciate the musical talents of Led Zeppelin, I don't gather the same enjoyment from their music.  Going on a shopping trip now means heading to the grocery store, which I actually love doing, but my fulfillment comes from whittling my receipt down to pennies versus the high I would get from spending $60 on a pair of jeans.  My day consists of making my husband and children feel attractive, wanted, needed, loved.

On my thirtieth birthday my husband asked me if there was anything that I wanted just for me, not for the purposes of serving someone else.  He knows that I tend toward gifts of need for the household.  I never answered him.  I could not come up with something that I really wanted that did not involve providing for someone else.  It scared me.  It sounds silly to me now, but I sat there wondering if I had lost myself somewhere in the midst of motherhood.  What defines me now are the people around me.  And there was a little bit of resentment there.  I think all mothers go through this struggle at some point.  It's what empty nest syndrome is all about.  Our identity becomes imbedded in our children and our old desires to serve ourself transition to serving our children, so much so that it is hard to find enjoyments that we can call our very own.

I am not trying to say that I don't have indulgences just for myself anymore.  I can neither confirm nor deny a stash of dark chocolate that no one else knows about.  The truth is I have more of a difficulty serving myself now than serving others.  As a thought would come to mind of something I could splurge on just for me, it would be defeated by a more sensible option.  I struggled with whether this was a bad thing or a good thing.  Certainly the resentment I was feeling about it was bad, but overall I knew I did not want a token of that past lifestyle where I lived for myself.  My joy is in serving my family, in hearing my husband delight in a dinner I made, in watching Colette grow in discipline, in seeing Mary explore new things, in the child that grows inside of me, in taking my time, talents and treasures and blessing others.  These are the things that define me.  It is what I love.

Shortly after one of my friends became a Christian, she cried to me and said, "I don't know who I am anymore."  At the time I was so puzzled by the statement.  She had always been very chameleon in nature, taking on the likes and interests of whomever she was dating at the time, but as a Christian she had started making decisions apart from pleasing others.  I was seeing so much growth in her character that I could not understand what she thought she was missing.  To me, she was unveiling the person that was always hiding inside.  Now I understand that for so long her sins had identified who she was, that as she stepped away from them, she felt like she was leaving her self behind too.  I could not understand why she was mourning this because I saw it as the necessary growth of a Christian.  We are called to become a new creation in Christ.

There is trepidation in taking on this new life in Christ for a lot of Christians.  Too often we allowed our sin to define us- I was a self-centered, image-oriented, impatient teenager that delighted in worldly things, whether I would have admitted it at the time or not.  It is how we know ourself to be and who others have come to know.  It is why so many of us struggle with leaving them behind.  It took me a long time to admit that I did not receive the same satisfaction from listening to Led Zeppelin that I once did.  It was hard for me to say that praise music had taken that love's place.  I am sure it is laughable for some of you to read this, but I felt very elite in my taste of music and even held those who lacked the same appreciation in disdain.  Now I enjoy music that embraces it's original intent to bring glory to God.  I am moved by songs that sing His praises.  While Led Zeppelin remains arguably one of the most talented bands of all time, they certainly did not seek to bring glory to God.  And I certainly wasn't seeking to bring glory to Him during the time that they spoke to me most.

God wants to make you a new creation.  He wants to place desires in your heart that will lead you down paths you never imagined going.  He wants to replace those beaten paths of sin with trails that lead to treasures in Him.  He wants to expose those temporary joys for their superficial nature and guide you to the eternal peace and joy that you will only find in His gift of Jesus Christ.

Let Him.

In Romans 12, verse 2 Paul pleads, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will."  It is easy to conform to the patterns of this world in cranking up a song that praises promiscuity and vanity, delighting in a tv show that is profane in nature, buying into consumerism, fulfilling gluttoness desires.  As we renew our minds by allowing the desires of God to replace those of our sinful nature, His will, which is good and pleasing and perfect, becomes evident to us.  This is the new creature He makes of us.  What we find joy in, take peace in, seek comfort in defines us.  How much is your sin defining you?