Note to Self

Note to self: "The Lord disciplines those He loves, as a father the son he delights in."  Proverbs 3:12.  I might need this one stamped on my forehead as a friendly reminder every time I look in the mirror.  The experts say that children actually want boundaries, despite their nature to constantly cross the border.  Yesterday Jon was consoling Mary after she was disciplined for not assisting with clean-up.  He explained to her that our bad decisions can result in consequences.  Looking for Colette's support as an expert in the area of making bad decisions, Jon asked, "Colette, tell Mary- are consequences good or bad?"

Colette quickly responded, "Good because they help us learn to act better."  It was not the answer he was seeking, but it certainly made us smile.  I found it comforting that Colette appreciated the need of the boundaries we have been reinforcing so regularly.  She can be very strong-willed and there are days that end in exhaustion and frustration because I feel like I have been on her case all day.  I try to end the day with a reassuring hug and assert that we will have a better day tomorrow.  And we usually do.

Parenting is like making an investment in your child.  Often I can feel the battle brewing- the sigh when asked to pick up her toys or the nose crinkling at the sight of an unwelcome dinner entree.  It is in that moment where I have to make a decision of what my approach will be.  I could choose to conserve my energy and time and let her do as she would please.  Honestly, there are times where I feel too weary and just want to avoid altercation, but to consider the longterm ramifications discourages me.

When you decide to make a financial investment for your future, the initial steps of setting aside money can be very difficult.  There are sacrifices that need to be made and habits that need to be changed.  If you focus on the goal of a financially stable future, all of the struggle is necessary and good, though it may not be enjoyable.  Likewise, the sacrifices that we are called to in parenting, though not all enjoyable, are necessary and good.  If I invest time and thought in my child now, the future will reveal an individual who is well-adjusted to a world of boundaries and expectations.  Caring enough now, means caring for their future.  Somehow children recognize that and are drawn to structure and discipline.

I say "somehow," but I believe it was God's good design.  Because the Lord loves us, we should expect His discipline when we fall out of line.  And we should be grateful for it.  It is good to consider God's discipline in our lives, and what He is revealing to us through it.  Have you been put in a "time-out" with a life that seems stalled, because you have not done what the Father has asked of you?  Perhaps you are still nursing a "spanking" for doing something dangerous.  Or have you lost privileges to a toy because you did not play responsibly or refused to share?  Maybe the analogy makes you giggle a little, but truly Our God is a loving God with expectations for His children's behavior and He is a master of behavior modification.

God knows that His discipline can cause you to scowl and question His goodness and mercy, but just as it is love that causes me to correct my children's poor behavior, so it is His love that He offers in the discipline of His children.  Colette and Mary may not always be able to comprehend that it is love that drives me to enforce rules and expectations.  There are regular events in our household that attest to their unwillingness to admit that I know what is better for their future than they do.  What about you?  Can you see the love of your Father in His discipline?  Do you submit to it because you trust that He knows what is best for your eternal future or are you resistant?  Consider your next consequence as an opportunity to learn from a good and gracious God, one who is investing in your future.        

Sins of the Faithful

Children seem fascinated when other children are being disciplined.  They watch with mixed horror and glee.  It seems the innocent bystanders always take the moral high-ground and tsk-tsk the offender.  Colette tends to use a very adult voice as she recaps the incident.  She piously shakes her head from side to side and announces, "So-and-So sure was having a rough time today.  She didn't want to listen to her mommy."  Funny how clear right and wrong seems when you are not guilty of wrongdoing.

It might seem odd to say this, but I was relieved when Mary reached an age of intentional disobedience that required discipline.  For awhile Colette must have considered herself to be the naughty girl of the family and Mary was the golden child who could do no wrong.  I sympathized with her that Mommy frequently had scowls for her and smiles for my cooing innocent baby.  And now we have a similar dynamic between Mary, the two year old who is just beginning to explore the potentials of naughtiness, and Julia, the baby who is often Mommy's happy place.  It's tough feeling like you are the only one who has a hard time doing the right thing.

I suppose we never grow out of the fascination for other's failures.  It fuels the media, fosters gossip, and leads us to that sense of security that we are not so bad.  To spotlight someone else's faults is never a good thing.  To preen our own self-esteem at the scrutiny of someone's failure, something of which I have often found myself guilty, is shameful as well.  But to quietly learn from the shortcomings of others can be valuable.  While Colette would like to think she has never behaved poorly for her mother, I find opportunity with her peers' behaviors to discuss how to manage the same situation when she finds herself there.  And I remind her of times where she has made similar poor choices.  I use these moments to humble her and encourage her.  I would do well to parent myself the same way.

It is no mistake that the Biblical "greats" have pasts ladened with shady business.  Abraham, the father of the Jewish nation, attempted to get a head start on God's promise that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars and slept with his wife's servant since his own wife appeared to be barren.  Not exactly a faithful move.  Twice while traveling in foreign lands, he lied and said his wife was his sister and gave her to other men, in fear of his life.  Then there was Moses who saved the Israelites by leading them out of Egypt, but was guilty of murder before he took that walk of faith.  David, described as "a man after God's heart," had quite the heinous history of adultery and murder.  Peter, the often over-zealous disciple, denied knowing Christ when He was being tried and persecuted.

What kind of examples do these "greats" set for us?!

Realistic ones.  The truth is we all have some shameful baggage, but there is no burden too heavy for Christ to carry for us.  All was suffered on that cross.  To say that only those innocent of the "big" sins, are worthy of being saved, diminishes the profound work Jesus did in offering himself as a pure sacrifice for the sins of all.  It is precisely why the Bible is rich with examples of people stumbling their way to faith.  If the Bible truly professed that being a good person was the key to Heaven as so many a confused Christian claims the founding principle of Christianity to be, then Abraham, Moses, David, Jonah, Peter, Paul and a host of others would be out of luck.  But they are not, and neither are you.

The media laps up the sins of famous Christians as if it were sweet honey.  They shake their fingers at the fallen and proudly proclaim that their Christianity has made them no better than the rest of the world.  Too often we unite on the common ground of sin.  Truth is, sin is a common ground for all of us, Christian or not.  It is good to know you are not alone in the struggle of sin, but better to know we can unite in the grace of a Savior who lovingly died for those sins so that He could spend eternity with you.  Paul, after persecuting Christians with fervor, was able to joyously declare that salvation was his, because he knew the truth he professed in Romans 3:22-24, "This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

Confess the Mess!

When you are a mommy of three small children and not the most organized individual, your home may appear to have been ransacked to the onlooker... which is why I often draw my blinds... and panic when the doorbell rings.  Just this morning I asked Colette to fold up clothes that she had decided against wearing and put them back in her dresser.  She reminded me in a very logical argument that my own closet had a pile of clothes on the floor, as she edged a tangle of shirts, skirts and tights into the closet with her toe and attempted to close the door.  

This week the house and the children have been overwhelming, leading to a few desperate Facebook posts.  My husband was out of town, I am preparing for my sister's wedding, and potty training Mary has lead to exhausting amounts of laundry that have me fearing my next water bill.  Offers of help were made and I did not respond.  I am not one to easily accept help because enlisting help often requires a full revelation of the actual mess.  Oh, I can admit to you that my house is a mess and leave to your imagination how bad it might be.  You will give me the benefit of the doubt that it can't be "that bad," and I will try to convince you that it is.  But the thought of you actually witnessing firsthand that there is crusted oatmeal on my stovetop from this morning, makes me shudder.  It's not just the oatmeal- it's the trail of dirty burp cloths, abandoned socks, and toy debris that I can not keep up with.  To allow help to actually enter my home, I would go into a cleaning fit that would hide the extent of the disaster so the individual would be left to think I am a delusional perfectionist.  I am not, but I sure want you to think I am.

The truth is we all have problems that we admit to having, but when it comes down to revealing the very depth of the problem, we only let a few individuals, if that, see beyond the surface.  It can be a very dangerous situation, leaving our potential help to consider that our problem is not that bad and under control.  The inability to admit to others just how messy our life can be can leave us lonely and overwhelmed.

I have found that confession can lead to connection with others.  In my circle of mom friends, we bond over confessions of tempers lost, rebellious children, and housework run amuck.  There is release in discovering that you are not alone in your problems.  In some ways, our desire to hide our problems away in a private recess of our mind, is a selfish decision to not help the next individual struggling with the same burden.  Appearing to be a mother who has got it all together, leaves a lot of other mothers wondering what their problem is and why it seems to be so tough for them.  Perhaps my messy home could be a ministry to them!

At the heart of what we hide, is shame.  Like Adam and Eve, we hide because we are ashamed of what we have done and what we have left undone.  We fear that if we reveal our inabilities, addictions, and sins, the world will find us unworthy of love.  So we place our dirty laundry in closets not visible and leave it largely unaddressed.  And we find ourself doing damage control to keep our help from finding that closet in fear they will turn on their heels and run screaming.  

And maybe some of this world might.  But God will not.  Have you ever wondered why an all-knowing God requires us to confess our sins to Him?  He knows what we will do before it is done.  What good is this step of confession?  It is not for His knowledge, but yours.  Are you fully admitting to God how messy your life is, or are you pretending He can only see the surface?  Friend, you will know the full extent of His love when it covers over that very ugliness that you have been hiding, but when you hide your sin, you allow His love to only come so far.  This is the barrier that sin creates and it prevents God from helping you with the mess and it allows the Devil to hang it over your head as evidence of unworthiness.

But the truth that will set you free of this burden of sin is that you are so worthy of God's love that He sent His one and only Son to suffer and die for those very sins you pretend you can hide from Him.  He wants you to know that His love reaches even to the very depths of the ugliest part of your life, but if you do not let Him into that closet, He can not begin to help you clean it up.  Do not limit the power of the love of God in all areas of your life.  That mess is bigger than you are, but not bigger than the power of God.     

Sunshine Denied

Yesterday was a beautiful day... outside.  Inside, it got kind of ugly.  I had every intention of spending as much time outside as possible.  As required for the sanity of the entire household, Mary was placed in bed for nap in the afternoon.  Colette and I worked on school work and some household projects, all the while taunted by the sunshine flooding through the windows.  Mary kept sleeping.  It had been two hours of Colette patiently waiting for the moment she was given permission to burst out into freedom and fresh air.  "Mommy, can I pleeeeease just go outside by myself?" she finally pleaded.

I responded gently, sympathetically, assuringly, as nicely as I possibly could break the news that we would have to wait until Mary woke up so that I could go out with her.  Apparently it did not matter how I informed her.  She exploded.  "You don't even make any sense!  I don't think you're my real mom!"  I was dumbfounded and caught off guard. I calmly informed her that she was not allowed to talk to me like that and told her she would have to stand facing the wall until she was ready to discuss her feelings in a friendlier fashion.  She did not respond well to that.  It lead to another string of hurtful words.  "You don't even love me!" she accused, "I don't think you even want me!"

Never has she said anything like this before.  I wondered where her words came from.  Did she really feel this way?  And I cried at the thought that a child I had spent the last 4 years loving and serving could possibly feel this way.  When she calmed down, I told her that it was because I loved her that I could not let her go outside by herself at the risk of danger.  But how do you tell a child that you are protecting them from dangers you don't want to have to explain to her exist?  There are evils of this world I am not ready to reveal to her, so I keep her under safe shelter until I feel she is ready to hear that not all people have her best interest at heart, as her mommy does.  What she is ignorant of is precisely an evidence of my love, but to her, it seemed a blatant demonstration of a love that was lacking.  How could a loving mommy deny a child the very thing that she pines for and finds pure bliss in?  I know the logic is beyond her.

Is God's logic beyond you?  How often have you found yourself doubting the love of a Father who has laid down His life for you because you have been denied something you have longed for, prayed for, even begged for?  As a parent, we often find ourselves in the precarious position of following through with a decision that we know has an eventual outcome of betterment for the child, but in the meantime causes the child sorrow.  We cling to that cliche "someday you will understand," and hope that someday, they will.  But we live in fear of those words uttered in the heated moments; we worry that the child, in ignorance, will doubt our love.

There are moments in our life when we will feel like we have dropped out of the realm of God's love.  It will feel like He is purposefully denying us of pleasures and we cannot comprehend what good can from it.  Like a child, we are often so consumed by our desires that we cannot view the greater work at hand.  All Colette could see was sunshine and happiness when she gazed longingly out the window, unaware of the many harms from which I need to protect her.  And as a mother, it is my job to ask for her trust, when I cannot explain to her why I do the things that I do.  It is my hope that I spend enough time demonstrating my love in understandable ways, so that she can trust in that love when she does not understand.

In the very moment Colette was doubting my love, I was exercising it.  In love, I could not appease her desires, knowing that it could lead to harm.  Do you trust that your God knows a lot more than you do?
God asks us to trust when we cannot understand.  He will not always choose to explain why He allows some suffering in our life or denies some pleasures.  True faith is exposed in those times.  Faith is having hope in that which is unknown.  Philippians 4:7 promises, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  What this means is we can and should find peace in God even when we may not understand the trials we are facing.  We forget that we are children of God, in need of parenting by Our Heavenly Father.  Be still and know that He is God.

A Laugh at my Expense

In fourth grade, everybody was on a level playing field.  I had lots of friends and assumed I was just a likable person.  In fifth grade, five elementary schools poured into one middle school.  It seemed instinctual as ranking began.  I was miserable; nerdy and alone.  Who would have thought that the girl with large pink plastic glasses with yellow and blue confetti imbedded in the frames wouldn't fit in?  At the end of the school year, the glasses were destroyed in a fortunate jump roping accident.

Freed of the weight of a poor fashion choice, I felt this was my opportunity to come back from the summer and wow my fellow peers.  The month of August was left to plotting that ever-so important first day of school outfit.  Then as if fate brought us together, I stumbled upon the accessory that would set me apart from my adoring fans.  There at Big Lots, passed over by the cool people of this world despite drastic markdowns on the regular department store shelves, I found ridiculously large plastic (when will plastic finally be cool???) bright purple clip-on earrings.  They were a dollar.  They were, in my mind, perfect.
 
Having received permission from my mother, I made my purchase with the hope that my future of popularity was secured.  The car ride home I drew pictures of myself wearing my grape diamond-shaped earrings.  Would they be best set off by a high ponytail, a cascade of curls pulled over one shoulder, or perhaps a side ponytail?  I chose the high ponytail, determining that it was the best way to draw all attention to the atrocities I had fallen in love with.  If only I knew.

Fate placed Alice behind me in the lunch line-up.  The high ponytail revealed the clips of my earrings.  My mother did not allow us to pierce our ears until we were 13.  My peers had more lenient parents.  Alice cleverly sang, "Clip-on, clip-off!" to the tune of the Clapper commercial and drew the class's attention to my only-now-apparent fashion faux-pas.  The whole class joined.  They clapped and giggled.  I slowly pulled each earring off the once proud lobes, knowing that I had again secured myself in the ranks of Nerd-dom.  Oh were I never to have found those earrings or had settled on wearing my hair down, hiding the clips from the masses who clearly were just jealous of my earrings and needed to find some flaw to feel validated.

Thus began a middle school career of trying to get people to like me, and never quite getting why my mom's sister's bright red corduroy bib overalls were a big, fat fail or why you would not want to be friends with the girl who had all of the answers in class and handed in ten page papers when the requirement was for two.  It was not until high school that I embraced my identity as the nerdy-and-loving-it-type.  It was a long haul trying to find a place in this world that I was comfortable with and that was comfortable with me.

Now that middle school is only a painful distant memory, I can accept that Alice's mean-spirited outburst was simply an attempt like my own to be wanted, needed, loved.  It is what we are all looking for.  God designed us with the need to interact with and to love others.  Few humans ignore this desire.  But many make poor choices in their attempt to fulfill that need.  I suppose we all have our own stories of popularity contest flops, even the popular girls who were just better at hiding their desire to still play house when they were in seventh grade.

I look back at fifth-through-eighth-grade-Katie and she just makes me sad.  At times I wish the older, wiser me could go back in time and coach her not to emblazon with silver puffy paint the nickname "Chinsy" on her sixth grade camp ball cap.  But the sorrow does not come from reflecting on an embarrassing history, but in knowing that a little girl spent years ignorant to God's delight in what He was creating.  He was molding me then and He is molding me now.  Life's difficulties and rejections that often seem so empty of love, are just opportunities for Him to fill us up with all of His good love.

It took years of poorly plotted superficial decisions to break me down, before I sought the one love that mattered.  I used to think that no one could love me until I learned to love myself, but I think we all know that we are at times very unloveable.  I made some very unloveable decisions toward friends, just so I could move up the popularity ranks.  But discovering a God who could love me right where I was, in the midst of unloveable sins, was the only way I learned to love others, even those that were the demise of my social life.  And when I was able to love others and forgive others- to offer them something of value and not just attempt to dazzle them- I finally discovered my own self worth.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19  We are all worthy of God's love.  Go fill up on it until it overflows to others.  There are a lot of desperate people in need of it.