One Phone Call From Your Knees

My husband and I had been dating a short time when September 11th happened.  He told me it was only the second or third time he had prayed in his entire life.  At this point in our relationship, Jon was not a believer and the topic of religion was not discussed much.  I asked him why he had prayed so infrequently and he told me he felt like if he waited to pray about something really important, God would be more likely to listen.

In Mat Kearney's song "Closer to Love" there is a line that strikes me every time.  He sings, "I guess we're all one phone call from our knees."  How many of us have had that moment of tragic news that has brought us to our knees?  How many of us were familiar with that posture of prayer?  At Heart of the Shepherd we are in the midst of a sermon series that is exploring the purpose of prayer and it has really made me consider my own journey of prayer.  I am hoping that my confessions on my confusion with the purpose of prayer will lead you to a stronger prayer life.

When I consider the times that I prayed powerfully- tear-drenched, teeth-clenched, hand-clasped, pleading prayer- my belief was in the power of that prayer.  My hope was in how powerfully I could pray; how persuasive I could speak; how strongly I could profess my belief in that moment that God could turn the situation around.  The power was in me.  The results rested on my shoulders and whether I could pray hard enough, believe strong enough.

At the same time that I was praying like this, I was professing a belief in an all-powerful God who had a will for my life, planned from the beginning of time.  Examined logically, there was an evident disconnect between my prayer life and my belief.  Perhaps I recognized this on a sub-concious level and this is why I prayed so infrequently.  I didn't know what I was praying for- His will or mine?  What purpose was there in praying to a God who was going to go ahead with His will anyway?  And if my belief as small as a mustard seed was supposed to move mountains, what did it say of my faith when the mountain did not move after fervent prayer?  Was this powerful God really dependent on my prayer to move the mountain?  If it was His Will to move the mountain, why didn't he move it in spite of my weak prayer?

In some ways, I considered not praying as a way to place full trust in God.  I wasn't trying to gain "points" by praying frequently or negotiate with Him.  It seemed that by not praying, I was fully trusting that His Will would be what I saw in my life.  But I know that lying beneath that layer of belief was a full-blown mistrust in God and my misunderstanding of what prayer was supposed to be.  I was frightened that by praying and not receiving an answer or not understanding an answer, I would begin to lose faith in a God I wanted to have full trust in.  Whenever I considered prayer, the verses that came to mind were, "Ask and it shall be given to you," and "faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains," and "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  But I had asked, and had not received.  It was a hard lump of reality to swallow.  Something was missing in the formula and it was either me or God.  My lack of prayer was covering up a fear that God was not listening, was not as faithful as His promises sounded.

I certainly had seen God answer prayers and had often felt His Presence when praying.  So what of those times when I prayed and still felt uncertain?  I remember praying night after night about a job that was causing me extreme amounts of stress.  I asked God what He wanted me to do and never felt I had a clear answer.  I left that job to take on another position, and when that position did not work out, I wondered if God had in some way told me that I was supposed to stay at my old job and I had missed His sign.  I thought He was punishing me for leaving.  But I kept trusting that somehow it was all in His plan, even my possible disobedience, and He would work things out for my good.  But what good had those prayers done me, I wondered?  If I was praying to God faithfully for an answer about what He wanted me to do, why would He be unclear about His intentions?

I attended a funeral a little over a year ago and The Lord's Prayer was recited.  At first I did not see much of a connection to this particular prayer and death.  But as I prayed the words "Our Father who art in Heaven" I started to feel a strong sense of peace and comfort just in those words.  We were mourning the death of a baby.  I grieved for the parents and what a great struggle it must be to lose a child.  Those words reminded me that God embraces us as His children.  That our sorrows are His.  And as we prayed for "Your will to be done" I remembered my all-powerful God who had a plan from the beginning to rescue me from the bondage of sin and death.

Prayer is not a bargaining tool to convince God that we are worthy of what we ask, nor is it a means of communicating to Him something He is unaware of, nor is it simply a way for God to reveal His plan, for it often remains unknown.  Prayer is an opportunity to be reminded of who our God is and who we are before Him.  As we spend more time in prayer, we learn more about Him so in those moments that bring us to our knees we can hold on to the truths of a good and loving God who is working all things for our good.  Prayer is for the purpose of strengthening our faith so that when God's Will does not line up with our own, we can find comfort in saying, "Not my will, but Yours be done!"

Watch and Pray

How many of you have fallen prey to the Devil's trap of self-loathing?  I would say it his most effective method of enticing me away from my God.  The mirror he holds in front of me that honestly reflects my shortcomings often leaves me feeling defeated and incapable.  There are days where giving up seems far easier than pushing forward.  This is exactly his goal.  He wants to immobilize me because he knows that in Christ I am a powerful force, so he is quick to remind me that I am self-serving, lazy, volatile, impatient, hateful, and apathetic.  He knows that there will always be days that I will find myself tangled in the bondage of these sins and I will continue to give him fodder for his case against me.

But his case falls apart each time I recall these words, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  (Romans 5:8)  How beautiful and necessary are those words to me.  Christ did not die for me because I had made myself worthy of His love; He died for us because we had turned from His love, a love that He still wanted to pour out on us.  And that is the powerful force Satan can not reckon with.  It is the power of my God and His love for me.  For where my sin increases, grace increases all the more!  How much more should I on those days feel the relief of a God who loves me so much that He was willing to die for me when I was His enemy?  When I was fighting against Him, He was fighting for my love and He continues to fight for it, especially on the days when Satan would have me believe my luck was just about to run out.

One of the biggest obstacles in my way of daily committing my actions to Christ is my fear of failure.  I know that I struggle with being consistent, that I am easily swayed to give up when faced with a challenge, and that I have the will power of an unsupervised kid in a candy shop.  I have often considered it honorable that I do not make promises I know I can not keep.  Furthermore, I consider it realistic to examine my nature and determine my capabilities.

Do you see how this keeps me in a perpetual state of never moving forward in my relationship with God?  It is as if I am saying, "Hey God, thanks for loving me as I am- selfish, uncommitted, apathetic, and at times downright ugly in nature to those around me.  Guess You have done all You can for me and now I'll just get comfortable with accepting myself."  The Devil has me right where he wants me.  If I do not ever commit to try, I have already failed.  Most importantly, I have failed in trusting in God to be able to mold my character into the champion He intends me to be.  It occurred to me today that God is more disappointed with my unwillingness to try than He would be if I committed and failed.  Afterall, it is not the power in me that will bring about change in my life; it is the power of God working through me that will lead me right to where He wants me.

 This morning Colette and Mary were playing quietly when I heard Mary start to cry.  I ran in to check on her and Colette declared, "It's okay, Mom!  I accidentally hit Mary, so I said sorry."  Mary was already back to playing, but Colette's quick explanation left me suspicious.  "How did you 'accidentally' hit Mary?" I asked.  She replied, "Well, she knocked my tea party onto the floor so I accidentally hit her."

Of course, despite the need to turn my head to chuckle, I discussed with Colette that she intentionally hit Mary out of anger.  Although I know Colette knows the difference between an accident and an intentional act, I wonder if she really described the incident correctly.  How often do we get caught with our guard down and sin happens almost by accident?  It certainly feels that way to me on days when I am exhausted and the kids have been uncooperative and my back hurts and dinner is boiling over and my husband receives a hurtful remark from a wife that loves and adores him.  It is as if the words exit my mouth by accident; a clumsy act of the lips that I had little control over.  Or everything is going our way and then someone knocks our tea party over and our instinctual reaction is to inflict pain on the culprit.

It seems as though sin can consume our intentions before we are able to intervene.  But our own Savior recognizes this and encourages us with these words from Matthew 26:41, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."  He knows our weakness to fall prey to sin, but He gives us guidance on how to avoid it.  First, we must be watchful, constantly on guard, especially the days when we are weary.  These are the days that test our true faithfulness to lead pleasing lives for our God.  How often do we instead excuse our sin because it snuck up on us in the midst of a bad day?  And then He calls us to prayer, because He knows that if we are in consistent communication with Him, we will be successful at conforming our hearts to the desire of His spirit rather than to the weakness of our flesh.

Scripture describes Satan as a lion prowling outside our door, ready to devour us.  What defenses are you building against that lion?  How much time do you spend with Christ so that He can build you up with the love He has for you, so you are not caught off guard by the devil's arguments that you are unworthy?  What strength are you depending on to get you through temptation?   If we are not doing what Jesus instructed us to do to protect ourselves from temptation, should we be surprised when sin keeps sneaking into our lives?  But so we might find ourselves triumphant over our enemy, watch and pray!